As I hit a big birthday for myself I hit a crossroads on what I want to produce on blog and knowing I wanted to dig a bit personally for both personal and professional development I thought I would start with writing letters to my old Best friends that left things unsaid and emotions still raw in an effort to provide me with closure, if they see it help them with theirs (if they need the closure) and allow you guys to understand me on a different level.
Our friendship was short in comparison to the length of life but it was an important one in shaping who I am now.
I met you at a drinks thing when I started uni and we got along well over the course of their first year we spent a lot of time together as a pair, in our friendship circle, me meeting up with you and your (ex) boyfriend for days out.
We had highs and lows together, lost friends and gained some. But in the short 4 and a half years that we were friends the relationship was strong for the first few years and you helped me grow back into a confidence I had lost and allowed me to know it was ok to be me. You opened my eyes to the Marvel universe (that I now geek out on). You allowed me to believe I could do what I wanted and I had the ability to do anything. We would make crazy dreams if things we could do and for a long period of time I thought we could do it.
You were a great friend, but I wasn’t as much especially when we started to grow apart. Before you I never had a best friend before and I didn’t know how to express things properly (I still don’t but I’m working on it) mentally I was going through a battle ground and had highs and lows. I would back out of plans last minute with horrid excuses, I would withhold information or exaggerate other things. I had a terrible memory so I would remember exactly what I said or did. But to be honest what made things worse is I wouldn’t be the most supportive friend behind your back. Whether or not I had people in my ear I should have never talked bad about you or your relationships to others. For me once I did that I couldn’t go back I couldn’t be friends with someone I betrayed so I stared to back away and get done in by my head. The saying that if someone is happy to talk smack about someone with you they are happy to talk smack about you to someone else rang in my head for months. I was afraid of two things for a long time a) you would find out what I had said b) you had said worse about me.
Instead of being a grown up and just talking to you I retreated, changed the way I was with you, talked behind our friendship circles group and wasn’t a nice person. I became a flaky bitch that I’m not proud of.
For all of this I am sorry. If things were different and I sorted my shit out sooner maybe we would be friends now or maybe not who knows. All I know is I appreciated your friendship at the time. It was great and allowed me to evolve at a time in my life I didn’t think it was possible. Only looking back now do I realise I should have got mental heath help sooner and I would have been different.
But for now I am getting the help and your living an amazing life. From time to time I see the pictures and I smile. I hear about your life and I smile. I hope if we see each other again it’ll be amicable.
But know that part of my heart will always love you (you were my first best friend after all)