That history| Personal

That history, that moment or moments in history that stop you from believing in you. Those memories and mental scars that stop you from living. Those lessons that you haven’t fully learnt from and let go. That shit right there is stopping you from living up to your potential.

I hate that I have skeletons in my closet, but I’ve finally got what Eminem talked about in cleaning out my closet and I’m going through my own version of that through these blog posts. I’m dealing with my past and making sure i not only learn from my mistakes but find a way to let the pain and feelings go that are attached to them and just keep a short memory of that mistake. Im working on looking after the present me to make a better future for me. I’m going back to the things that gave me joy as a child and bringing back that innocences, bringing back that curiosity and bringing back that unlimited joy and love I had.

It started with finding 3 amazing things that happen each day. It built into trying to make a person smile each day. This evolved into stop lying to myself about the small things each day, this became not lying about the bigger things to myself and is now becoming not lying to those I love. As I’ve found honesty with myself and found a better language to talk to myself I’ve improved my relationship with myself and its a lot better now that what it was 5 years ago. Personally I have started to look after my mind body and soul better. I delt with my deamonds around ADHD and Dyslexia and got help and support from professionals to allow me to begin to reach my potential. I’ve started taking supplements for my ADHD that has helped improve my mental health 10 fold, kept me clam in so may aspects of my life and finally allowed me to feel in control of my mind and lie for the first time.  I began to write a book about my life with these disabilites to see where life changed for me and help me understand myself better. It also allowed me to become honest with myself and seperate fact from fiction and realise what was my opinion and what really happened. It has helped my in improving relationships with others and have a better idea about what I want from different relationships and what I have to give into others. The biggest realisation I have had about this is that I shouldn’t expect anything and that I am the only one responsible for how I feel and how I take things people say or do to me. I’m in control of that, no one else. Once I realised this I started to change so much with my out look on life and my skeletons in my closet and my past mistakes began to matter less to me. I started to let go of the past that was dominating my head and I stopped caring and taunting myself my dissecting every single thing I have done.

I’ve found changing my diet to a healthier plant based diet helped me feel better in myself and helped my mental health too. I now have a better realtionship with food that is improving and I no longer just eat whatever I wish and when but I’ve understood that its the fule for my body and what I put into my body has a major effect on how it works and what I do. Before I lived of manufactured junk and prossesed meats, I lacked the energy I had when I was younger, I put on weight, I lacked enthusiasm. I was sluggesh and just getting by. Since watching a shit tone of documnetories on the meat and dairy industries I realised my food choice wasn’t just about what I put in my body (but still teffifying in regards to how I was poising my body). Food is much bigger than that, its about then enviroment and about your core values and being empwthic not just to other humans but to other spicies. Watching the documenteries connected with sonthing deep within me and values insilled in my as a child that seemed to get lost as i got older. These documentaries have eveloved my thinking on life and what I want to do. I stater my ideas on my blog and social media posts, it has effected how I talk with others and reined me of kindness first. It has woken up the kindest part of my soul that has been asleep for a while and now its awake I need to train it again to become the best part. I need to make kindness louder and the best part of me. I need to find the best ways for me to to show this and stranegly this new phase of my life and way of thinking was triggerd by doumentries on food.

Also my day job helped keep me sane and begin tackling my skeletons. I am a junior school teach who has the joys of just being a big kid 5 days out of 7. I get to have fun all day as I teach and I get to empower young 7-8 year olds beocme the best version of them. While  Iteach the curriculum I try to inspire them to become amazing citizens. I make them feel great to be indiviual and different. I actively inspire them to try somthing new and put kindess first. I tell them regualary that all I want from them is to be the best version of them ever and unapologetically.  I try to give them that self cofidnece to halpe them take on anything in life. I want them to go on and change the world in what ever avenue they take in life. Doing this for the children has rubbed of on me and made me want to be better and do better.

Along with being honest with myslef and inspiring mysef I have understood that things wont happen over night. i’ve nderstood that this will take years and for me to reach the navarna of happiness it will be a long journey and that to be honest it isnt a destination but just a long old journey of enjoying life and shaing kindness till I hit death and the legacy I want to leave in my wake. What now dirves me isnt the materilaist things i can obtain nor things in the imidieate future. What i am fuling my inpisration with now and banking on more than ever is what people will do at my funeral what people first thoughts would be when I die, what people will do in memory of my once my time here is done. As i think about this more and continue to what this to be the biggest moment in my life i work harder each day, I’m learning the skill of patients. I’ve learned to love each day for what they are. I am slowly finding sleep easier and not waking up tired no matter how little sleep I have. I reflect on a regular on what is going well and this helps with me make peace with the past and become good friends with the present while trusting the future will take of its self.

The craziest thing about the death trail of thought is I hadnt thought about it for years/ decades until one day watching gary vee I heard him talk about his legacy an how he rather have loads of people at his funeral than at his wedding (or something to this effect). It was the first time I had heard someone say the same thing I had thought. I had arguments with firends before about this but I could not articulate my point and then there was this crazy guy in new york saying the the same thing as me and reminding me of a time when 8 year old me would eplain to my mum that I want the biggest venue for my funeral and how I hope there is a day of mourning for me when I pass. Back then I didn’t fully get why I was saying it but I knew I wanted many to be informed and sad about my death and I wanted people to do things after my passing in memory of me. Now I know that I had this deep need of leaving a legacy, I had a deep need and want for helping others (they only jobs i ever wanted to do when i was younger were in the public sector, I wanted to help many people regardless of paycheque as I want to make people always feel better once ive been with them). I suppose my need to help everyone was to make me seem almot angelic and secure an amazing legacy. My being selfish is to help solve everyones problems but with kindness and reducuced pettyness in life to allow me to have an amazing legacy. I get of from seeing people finally get somthing they didnt know before, I get my kicks not from champainge but from seeing other achive because I supprted them at some point in life. It all comes back to that quote, people may not always remeber what you say or do but they will rember how you made them feel and I am to make everyone that meets me feel amazing.

Now I know that mabye one in ten wont leave me feeling amazing but I’m ok with that, I tried and it didnt work with that person but it did with the other 9 and to be honest thy would have learnt somthing atleast from this interaction.

Now I’m still on this journey of dealing with my past and enjoying the present but i know it’ll take time but if I continue to do what I’m doing and improve and refine my techniques I will get there one day. It’s a life long journey and I am now enjoying the journey a lot more.

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