I once tried to kill myself.
It was feb 2019 and I had just got the point where my head couldn’t stay above water. I was tired. I was down and I was out. I couldn’t carry on anymore. I had it all planned for the feb half term. I was going to have a great day and spend time with my sister and then be gone the next day. No longer tired, no longer sad and finally free. No more acting and no more not knowing who I’m meant to be. I felt peace for the days leading up to it! I knew what was coming and I started to feel genuinely happy. It was the day to spend with my sister. Nothing special just junk food and Netflix. Lazy day. But this is the day that saved myself. I thought it would be my last day I relaxed I enjoyed myself and I laughed like I hadn’t for a while. I smiled and she gave me a reason to delay it for another day. We made plans and the day kept on getting pushed. We connected and I was starting to feel free. I went back to work and instead of feeling like my mouth was just above water it was my neck too. I started taking it a day at a time. I found joy with my class and they made me laugh and feel real joy. And slowly the water made it to my shoulders and I felt like I was standing in the water. It was still around me but I had control of my legs. The water hasn’t passed lower than my heart ever and I doubt it ever will and I have periods when I lose my footing and I start to feel like I’m downing again. But I’ve found a sure fire way to help me get that strength back every time and that’s my sister and the children at work. Their innocence and pure laughter has an effect on me like no other. It tames the water and gives me strength for the next day.